Modern-day parents do not have villages
The adage “it takes a village to raise a child” is true, but the reality is that modern-day or western world parents do not always have villages to draw from.
Families are strewn all over the world, many children grow up without grandparents or uncles or aunts around them, and the demands that life places upon parents to provide for their families often diminish our villages due to a lack of time or resources.
As a result, overwhelmed and overextended are two words synonymous with parenting in the 21st century.
According to psychologists:
Parenting stress is the distress you experience when you feel you just can’t cope as a parent. The demands being placed on you are too high. You don’t have the resources to meet them (Deater-Deckard 1998; Holly et al 2019).
Consider the following results from a meta-analyses conducted by S. Katherine Nelson and her colleagues (Nelson et al 2014; Nelson et al 2013).
- Sometimes parents report higher levels of wellbeing than do childless adults. But only when their burdens are relatively light.
- Parents report greater well-being if they have high levels of social support, and/or kids with no problems (children with easy temperaments, in good physical and emotional health).
- Any one of these following conditions may however cause heightened levels of stress:
- The study also confirms how these, and other stressors can affect your parenting. You can read the full article here
- having at least one child with a difficult temperament;
- having at least one child with medical, emotional, or behaviour problems;
- having only low levels of social support;
- being a single parent;
- having a young child.
The study also confirms how these, and other stressors can affect your parenting. You can read the full article here
How parent coaching can help
Parenting coaches are a wonderful resource for parents who find themselves spread thin. Perhaps it might be awkward at first to ask a complete stranger for help with your unique family dynamics and challenges, but the input of an objective and well-qualified individual may be exactly what you need to gain perspective on your challenges.
Our coaches often become an extension of the families they work with, as many of our clients have built wonderful relationships and even friendships with them, as they journey through the different ages and stages of their families together.
Our parent coaching services include home visits, virtual consultations and coffee consultations.
We recently added a new offering for busy parents, who may need resources that can fit into their busy schedules, with the added benefit of a 1-hour virtual consultation included in the package price, to discuss any questions or further interventions.
To learn more or purchase one of these packages, visit our online store.
It seems parents are more afraid of having their kids stuck at home with them 24/7 for the next few weeks than they are of the actual pandemic. Not only is there no school, but we’ve also been asked to practice “social distancing” (no playdates, outings, parks, public places, etc.), which is making you wonder if you will end up killing your kids before the coronavirus even gets a chance to come near them…
We’re here to help.
Permission to Parent: The Mindful Parenting Conundrum
Mindful parenting is a buzzword that has been gaining a lot of traction in recent years, and with good reason. There are many benefits, but as with any parenting trend, a completely mindful approach, won’t work for everyone.
Simply put, being mindful (whether it pertains to eating, parenting or life) means learning to slow down and becoming aware of your thoughts and feelings, so that you can be present in the current moment/situation.
As parents, we all long for our children to be happy, well-adjusted kids. But happiness is something so fleeting and circumstantial. Joy is the emotional homeostasis we are truly trying to achieve. When your child has joy, they don’t sweat the small stuff so much. They are able to weather the storms of life and grow from their failures. Happiness is purely dependent on external factors, which tend to fluctuate up and down through various seasons in our lives. Joy, on the other hand, brings resilience, hope and optimism.
So how do we help our children to find real joy? Here are 7 steps that parents can work on to help their children get there:
Seven years ago, I went in early for an emergency scan. I knew I was pregnant but had strong stabbing pains that made me think it may be an ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just my round ligaments taking immense strain at the degree of stretching needed to make space for TWO babies. Twins…TWINS??? My mother is a twin and we have a few sets of triplets in the family too, but I was quite happy in my bubble of “it won’t happen to me”.
Fast forward 7 years and my precious gifts are now 6 and a half. Almost daily I thank God for choosing me to be their mother. But I’ve got to say, I am so very thankful that I was a trained and experienced Parenting Coach (with a background as an Occupational Therapist in paediatrics) before they were born. Otherwise, I may not be loving it half as much as I have been. Having 2 premature newborns, 2 crawling babies, 2 mischievous toddlers etc comes with its challenges, especially when there is an older singleton sibling in the mix. But with some very useful practical parenting tools on my belt, I’ve been absolutely loving it! And today, I would like to share some of what I have learned about these precious creatures.
I don’t know about you, but I feel like the sound of moaning and whining tends to have a direct line to triggering my “reptilian brain”. It’s hard to be rational when a tiny human is making the hairs at the back of your neck stand on end. So, why do they do this? And what can we as parents do about it?
Let’s start with the why. You see, as babies, the only way that our children could communicate that they would like anything to be different to the way it was (hunger, boredom, poo nappy etc) was by moaning or crying. So, once they become toddlers, unless we teach them a better way to communicate, they will continue to use what has always worked.
‘Tantrums come in various forms, depending on the child’s age, their temperament and the consistency in boundaries within your home,’ explains parenting coach and occupational therapist Celeste Rushby of munchkins.me, a collective of coaches who empower parents to help transform family dynamics for the better. She says that, despite all prospective parents dreading the ‘terrible twos’, tantrums actually begin at between 10 and 18 months.
Education and training are central to the modern, Western world. We go to school, invest in vocational equipping, and attend workshops to perfect our crocheting or to learn the art of home brewing. Within this culture of knowledge and skill accumulation, parenting is also increasingly deemed a worthy enough subject in which to receive training – hence the overwhelming ocean of parenting resources: from articles and books to DVDs and TV shows to workshops and courses! Ever heard people complain, “Kids don’t come with a manual!”? They lie. Kindly point them to the Internet or any given bookshop.
So, should parents “go to school”? There are many good reasons why we should consider it!
Let’s begin with a quick quiz!
Which description sounds most like you as a parent?
- I love to cuddle my children, I go out of my way to meet their every need and I tend to indulge them.
- I keep a firm grip on my children and enforce many rules in my home.
- I oversee my children’s lives, teaching them life skills and helping them apply these lessons.
- I support my children in everything they do, but I stand on the sideline and let them take ownership of their own lives.
- I love having fun with my children and spending time with them like I do with my friends.
Can you see yourself in one of these? Are more than one applicable to you?
Most of us have a preferred parenting style – a way of childrearing that comes most naturally to us. Yet, most of us can (and should learn to) adapt our style according to a given situation and our children’s developmental age.
Okay, so let’s unpack the differing styles and see where you fit in most comfortably.